Scones10:14pm

The thought of scones dance in my head. Why scones? They are lovely, yummy! We made scones on Saturday. What fun that was. I was the assistant and he the teacher-baker errr um pastry chef.... I actually wasn't as nervous or selfconscience around him as I was making pear crisp. The lamb was good too. Mary hada little lamb and baa baa black sheep came to mind.

Ahh yes I would be lying if I said I didn't feel like "going there" But a few things to stop me from going. arrogant, like he's always right and I should get over things. He's shorter than me. he's so selfish. Like today he went with a friend to another fair in MD so when I asked him if he would like to come with us to dover fair, he said no not 2 fairs in one day. I would have cuz i give up stuff for my friends. Oh well... the virus stops me too, most of these things are superficial mind you. But my ideal guy is like a teddy bear. Slightly taller than me, fluffier than me, sweet and cute. And can make me laugh. OK he does make me laugh, and knows all about my need for dark chocolate. I am gonna have to lose 100 lbs.
We both like to watch Food Network and like to relax listening to worship and Food Network. He also has this super spiritual, holier than thou attitude sometimes. He is cute and thats probably a good thing or I might have kicked him to the curb. Maybe I should have.

There's still D. But I remember something Oprah said... yeah Oprah. If he loved you he'd be with you. And D is clearly not with me. I am not saying scones is the only way to go either. i am saying it's fun being with him and baking and relaxing. I'd spend more time if he'd let me.

I guess my ultimate dream is to find that special someone that wants to cook and bake with me and have our own business and work together. That might be possible with him, not sure I would bet on it. But atleast theres some hope.

Perspectives 10:37pm

I love the feeling of being wanted. And having someone finally want to spend time with me. We have shared 3 weeks in a row. Apartment hunting,Isaacs, 8below. Emailing and calling throughout the week. The weekend of finding our way to Ruby Tuesdays, apartment looking and Fantastic4 and homemade yummy Apple pear crisp and a surprise trip to Suunewalds. WOW, he really pays attention to what I say. Friends is what we are. Although I want more. I know it may not be possible. Only by a miracle could we make this work. I would like for it to work. I miss him this weekend. We both had things we needed to do. I miss him even though we email and talk on the phone. I do want to be there. He's lovely, he really is lovely. I haven't seen him since Sunday want to hear his voice. He knows I am needy which is why I have not made a phonecall. I want to be with him so much.

I opened the pond today, I watched the fish appear one at a time and then had the blessed priveledge of watching a frog find his way to the surface. I feel like the frog waiting for someone to pull the cover off and waiting to see what's on the surface. Waiting for the first breathes of air. Waiting to see if some ones going to be there. Pushing my way to the top, finally to the top in hopes that something good is finally waiting for me. Maybe the surface is cleared away of the debry? Maybe all those things that seemingly hang overhead will easily be pushed away? Aahh if the fish and frogs have survived through the winter and bitter cold perhaps I can survive also. And we can all make it through the obstacles that loom ahead. I believe with him. He can be whole and we can make it together. Where ever it is we are going. Hopefully we can be together this week and weekend. I can't believe I miss him so much.
good night

tumbling /prayers

Oh my tumbling, tumbling, tumbling down, wow what a spiral. We do spend alot of time together. Do friends really spend that much time together? I don't think so, atleast none of my other friends really did, well maybe one of them.
Is there really grace for all this? As I sat in Issacs it was really nice to look at the paper and drink my tea, yes I said tea. I traded my morning Joe for Issacs tea. Go figure that one out. surveying the lovey bird from afar I really can see things clearly, what a chap. friendly, funny as anything, sweet and sappy, warm and gooey. What the heck has happened? Ya think I would trade 9 years for 6 wonderful months?

I really wish people would just sit down.

Looking for apartments is kinda fun. watching the clouds, sun, visiting quick with friends. Wanting to say here look he's mine. But knowing that I can't really claim that. Atleast not yet. How do you really see this coming unglued or staying put.

How do you put this into perspective? I see a palmtree I like the palmtree, i get the feeling palm tree might like me. And yet it's a little hard to identify the fronds. So many variables, well maybe the palmtree grower knows the answers. I know he would know.
No gifts are given but thoughts and actions are collected like tokens. Bright shiny tokens.

A phrase kinda haunts me from a dream" are we really like brother and sister?"
I don't know how much longer I can continue allong this path.

Father help me to release this path to you. I would like to continue allong. But help me not screw it up. Keep my mouth shut, don't let me say things I shouldn't. I don't want to hurt him. Or scare him away. Father speak to him, cuz I know you do. I know he has an ear for your voice as well as you an ear to his. Father, guide us together. Father let him take the lead and pursue. Help us to be ever patient and careful not to ruin the beautiful garden you have planted. Help me not to fall and trip on things that would try to ensnare or entangle me. Help me not to become jealous of others around him. I put these things in your trust and care, hold them close and guard them, guard us.
Father heal him heal his immune system, his blood, all of the systems in his body that need to behealed, cleanse him father from all of the unrighteousness that easly befell him and was forced upon him willingly or unwillingly. Touch his body strengthen him, renew his spirit and his body.
Give him stamena. release a healing in him that no man has ever seen or heard of. Be a father to him, a daddy. Bless his health and his finances. Let everything he touches be blessed. In Jesus name, Amen.

the beginning

Ok so I am on this journey and I made some declarations and now I am taking detours. So i guess I have a different tree to climb. So yes my rocky tasted better today and the fact that i was awakened earlier than usually wanting to be awakened, but if you have a sweet alarm one doesnt mind. And tonight the snow looked even more prettier on the trees than ever before. Driving home in the blinding snow, I asked myself why are we here? I never expected to be here. I thought the last trip had bumpy spots and deep rutts. But wow this one, yikes.I guess I like seemingly impossible odds. becuz this oh my... It feels like the right path, but i know too much so i hesitate. Do I believe god to be a miracle worker or not? Cuz that's what's looming. If I allow myself to tumble down the rabbit whole how fast, how hard will the thud be to come.
I do want this trip. I now realsize just how shallow I am. I see the rabbit sslowly slipping away. Am I ok with this. Sorta. But is that because of other palmtrees? Ok so what do i do for this holiday? Sit and wait and see or do something? I think I will wait this out and see what happens.

Ok so let's makea check list.

cute, height, sense of humor, gentleman, opens and holds doors, starts the car, gets coat, willing to drive, makes effort to pay attention to requests, asks what i want, willing to give up his time. wow. I would be stupid if I didn't persue this. Help me Jesus. I have been intrigued by the rabbit hole and I feel the urge to follow.